"No One Can Make You Feel Inferior Without Your Permission"
First and foremost if you are seeking help for a domestic violent relationship, please seek assistance from a professional. Domestic violence hotline is 13 11 14.
I am a big believer that if you surround yourself with the right people who assist in creating positive experiences for you, then you have no other choice but to succeed in life. However, if you surround yourself with people who bring you down, lower your self esteem or don't believe in your potential, your life will always be difficult to turn around and you will never live the life you want to live.
I have already spent a large chunk of my life living this way. Being someone else's doormat, allowing family and so called friends to question my abilities and listening to advice from people who actually have never achieved the thing they are dishing advice on.
You know those kind of people don't you?
They are full of what you should do, why you should do it, why you shouldn't be wasting your time on whatever it is you are doing right now. These people have never actually lived their own dreams yet still want to tell everyone else how their dreams should be fulfilled.
Getting away from these kind of people can be difficult. Sometimes we are reminded of some of the good times, making us justify the bad, but sadly sometimes you just have to accept that you are compromising too much of yourself and let them go.
Sometimes their behaviour isn't direct. It's more the fact they are very self-involved and their attitude is "me, me, me" and rarely listen or support anything to do with you. You know those people too, right? Where you are in the middle of saying something such as "My cat got run over this morning" only for them to interrupt with a dramatic rerun of when their cat died. They always turn the focus back on to themselves.
We often invest so much into people and we might even like them. If their behaviour changes for the good even short term, we see a ray of hope and struggle to cut ties with them even though we know we are probably better off without them.
The reality is while both business and personal relationships take work, it just comes at a price, particularly when you are losing sight of yourself as a person or putting your own dreams on hold.
This person might not always be in your social circle either. They could be from a business you got involved with. One of those pyramid schemes that tell you how much you are going to make from signing up X amount of people. How amazing your life will be from doing this, all while they are struggling to meet their mortgage repayments after being sucked in by the same rubbish they are trying to spin you.
I think I've heard every business spin under the sun. I even got sucked in by a few. Not that I believe that their products didn't work or that there weren't people in the business that were successful but I did know that their kind of business definitely wasn't for me. I was wasting my time, and not seeking to fulfill my dreams, or need for happiness.
I also truly believe that one of the biggest problems today is social media, in particular Facebook. Facebook itself is a great platform to keep in touch, but it certainly shouldn't be the only effort people go to.
The other problem is that we often start comparing ourselves to others. She has a better body, more money, better holidays, nicer car, hotter boyfriend, she never likes your pictures or comments on your page. Seriously, who cares? If that's how you are perceiving the people on your Facebook "friends" list then you probably shouldn't have them on there.
Get outside, meet up for coffee. Nurture the friendships that make you feel good about yourself. There will always be someone who has it better than you. There will also be someone who has it worse. Just concentrate on your life and stop comparing yourself with others. Do more of what makes you happy.
I know it's not easy, but it is important for you to get real about who is stopping you from being happy in your life. It's often a bit more complicated that just cutting someone out. There might be children involved, you might have a violent partner or an interfering mother in law or even money tied up in a business.
For me, one day things just came to a head and I decided enough was enough and I made the cuts. I have listed how I did it in the checklist below. Firstly I just want to say, I am not a psychologist or anything along those lines. I am just a person who got fed up with coming second best, took action and won. This is what I did:
1. Identify them
2. Work out what it is that makes them toxic, why and how they make you feel.
Does this person constantly undermine you or put you down? Do they make you feel afraid?
3. Talk to them about their behaviour and how they are contributing to how you are feeling.
Keep it factual. Don't pick a time when they are distracted by something else or under the influence of something. If you are not good at verbalising it, try writing it down and giving them space to read it. Often people will not even be aware of their behaviour or the impact it is having on you and if they value the relationship or friendship, will respect your need for them to tone it down a little. Keep the swearing and "you are the scum of the earth" comments minimal.
4. Decide what you are going to do if their behaviour towards you doesn't change.
Consider a 'three strikes and you're out rule'. If other people will be affected by your decision, such as your partner or children, make sure that they also understand how you are feeling and are on board with your action plan.
5. Stick to your guns.
Particularly if this is a domestic relationship you can be filled with all sorts of guilt, anxiety and concern wondering if you made the right decision. All you can believe is that you made the right decision at the time. If the person you have cut off changes later on, then that's great and you can re-evaluate at that time, but don't allow yourself to be led in to false promises. That's why the previous steps are so important.
6. Love yourself.
No one is perfect. Not every thing we do in life is the best decision. We screw up sometimes and it is okay. Just learn from your experiences and promise to be the best person you can be from that moment forward.
Have you ever had to cut toxic people from your life? Or maybe you have been sucked in by a business that was too good to be true? Share your experiences below.